


Unspoken Rule

by BinaryIsForRobots



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2018, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Gift Fic, Hidan (Naruto) Swears, Trolling, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-25 01:08:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17111591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BinaryIsForRobots/pseuds/BinaryIsForRobots
Summary: When something out of the ordinary happens, you don’t talk about it afterward. (Otherwise known as Breakfast with Akatsuki)





	Unspoken Rule

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1helluvabutler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1helluvabutler/gifts).



Being a member of Akatsuki comes with myriad unspoken rules. Hidan figured that out not too long after being forcibly roped into this ragtag assortment of criminals.

-Knowing there are rules is one thing. Remembering what they all _are_ is a different beast entirely.

Really though, no reasonable person would expect him to remember them all- and Hidan’s memory is just a tiny bit dodgier than most.

Still-

Even he remembers enough to know that most important rule- _touching Itachi without his permission is borderline suicidal- don’t fucking do it_. Which is something that Tobi seems to have forgotten. Even at this ungodly early hour of the morning, when he’s not even fully conscious yet, Hidan knows that repeatedly poking Itachi’s cheek and shoulder is an ill-advised decision.

The thought briefly crosses his mind that, perhaps, they’ll be sweeping Tobi’s ashes off the kitchen tile before they’ve even all had breakfast.

(He hopes he’ll at least get to have his coffee first.)

“Itachi-senpai, you made it back! You and Kisame-senpai took longer than Leader-sama was expecting, and Konan was worried somethin’ mighta happened to you guys!”

A shrug. Itachi tries to turn his attention back to his miso- but Tobi isn’t done yet.

“Where’s Kisame-senpai? Still asleep? He alright too?”

Itachi says nothing- because Itachi never says much of _anything._ He keeps dark eyes fixed on the percolating coffee pot, the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth the only thing to betray his annoyance. Hidan debates getting a ritual ready, seeing as Tobi might very well be about to draw his last breaths.

He doesn't get to linger on that thought too long, however. Deidara enters the kitchen as well, grumbling and trying to work out the tangles in his disheveled blond hair with his fingers.

Hazy blue eyes come into focus on Tobi, who’s still intent on pestering Itachi.

“What’re you doing?” he half-mumbles, through a fog of drowsiness.

“Sayin’ good morning to Itachi-senpai!” Tobi chirrups in response.

“You know you’re not gonna get anything outta him _hn_ ,” Deidara scolds, tossing long hair over his shoulders and glaring halfheartedly. “Leave the dumbass alone before he decides to set you on fire.”

“Aw, Senpai has a _gwumpy_ face!”

Hidan cringes at the babyish tone Tobi decides to take on.  He cringes again harder, when Tobi throws his arms around Deidara in flagrant disregard for another of Akatsuki’s unspoken rules: _don’t bug Deidara before he’s had his coffee._

“I’ll blow you away,” Deidara warns.

“Don’t be such a grouch, Senpai! If you keep makin’ faces like that it’ll get stuck that way!”

Itachi lets out something resembling a derisive snort.

“See?! Itachi-senpai’s face is already stuck! That’s why he always looks so cranky!”

Hidan can’t help the snicker that bursts out of him. Itachi’s brow knits together a few millimeters, either from irritation or confusion. It’s always so hard to tell with Itachi.

“Senpai, senpai- coffee is ready!”

Deidara shoves Tobi off him, teeth gritted tightly.

“Then why don’t ya make yourself useful and get me some?” he demands, whirling Tobi around and pushing him in the genuine direction of the coffee. “And don’t forget the milk this time.”

“I got it Senpai!”

Tobi sets about making a mug of coffee. The toaster jumps up, alerting Hidan that his own breakfast is ready. Standing up with a great stretch and a yawn, Hidan takes the few steps to retrieve and butter his toast.

“Coffee for Senpai, coffee for Sen-whoops!”

Hidan lets out a string of colorful curses when Tobi slops scalding hot coffee all over his bare arm and torso. He jabs his elbow at Tobi’s ribs- but in typical infuriating Tobi fashion, it passes right through him.

“Hidan is mean!” Tobi squeals. “He’s a bully! A bully!!!”

“Like fuck! Watch where yer fucking spilling your goddamned bean water will ya! You’re gonna melt my fucking tits of!”

“Maybe Hidan should wear a shirt if he doesn't wanna get burned!”

“Like that’d make a fucking difference!”

“Shut the fuck up both of you!” Deidara shouts, oblivious to his own hypocrisy.

“If you don’t quiet down right now, I’m gonna kill all three of you.”

-shit. Hidan forgot yet another rule- _no shouting while Kakuzu is still asleep._

The man growls dangerously, shoving Hidan and Tobi both aside to get a cup of coffee for himself- black, of course.

“Kakuzu-senpai, Hidan is a bully! You should teach him better than that!”

“Shut up,” Kakuzu warns, “or I’ll kill you.”

(Hidan isn't sure whether he should be happy that Kakuzu's wrath isn't directed at him.)

“Hmm, I don’t think Kakuzu-senpai could do that even if he wanted to~” Tobi chirps. “Senpai’s tried to kill me lots of times and he’s still never done it!”

Kakuzu looks very much like he wants to snap Tobi’s neck- but, again, his hands only close around empty air.

“I told ya~”

The four of them fall abruptly silent when a strange noise escapes Itachi. Behind the pitch-black curtain of his hair, it’s impossible to see his face. So when those strange sounds continue to bubble up, and his skinny shoulders start to shake, they all become concerned.

“I-is Itachi-senpai broken?” Tobi whimpers.

But when Itachi raises his head, and his hair falls backward, it becomes clear what those noises are. But knowing what they are makes them stranger still.

...He’s laughing?

-Well. Hidan’s just about seen everything now.

 _Jashin take me now,_ he pleads in his mind. _The guy’s about to snap._

After rapid-fire blinking for a few seconds, Deidara’s expression turns smug.

“-I thought you said his face was stuck, Tobi. Shows what you know _hn._ ”

“It’s a figure of speech, Senpai! Who’s the _real_ stupid one here?”

Deidara and Tobi dissolve into bickering once again. Itachi shakes with the last remnants of his laughter, trying to return to his breakfast. Hidan scratches the back of his head, then goes to make new toast to replace the slices Tobi ruined.

Eventually, Kisame enters the kitchen too, as bleary-eyed and drowsy as the rest of them.

“You’re in a good mood, Itachi-san,” he remarks, baring his sharp teeth in what’s probably a genuine smile. He pretends not to be surprised when Itachi smiles back, shaking his head.

The remainder of the morning passes as uneventfully as could be expected in an organization like Akatsuki.

Because, as one of the myriad unspoken rules of the Akatsuki goes- _when something out of the ordinary happens, you don’t talk about it afterward._

And so he does just that.  



End file.
